This is a glimpse into my brain. You will read about the three “parts” of me. I don’t always refer to them as alters, or split personalities, since I don’t completly diassociate. I can somewhat control, and am aware of the shift. However, those are the closest terms to what happens to me.
Sometimes, sometimes I wonder if anyone can tell that my mind is so chaotic, and fragmented. That my souls been shattered, and my heart destroyed?
I’m fairly certain I hide it well, no one suspects Monkey is really just a broken doll.
A long lost and forgotten childs toy. Faded, torn, one of my button eyes is missing…
I’ve forgotton how to play, I smile and pretend, but, its all just… monkey see, monkey do, cuz Monkey doesn’t feel no more.
This, is when it gets fun…
You see, Monkey also has cycles, and after the “I don’t care” its “Im pissed as hell” phase. Monkey hides, and Dragon Lady appears. She is the part of me who deals with … the bad stuff. She is wild, angry, destructive to others and myself sometimes. She is a part of me I can’t really handle, so I push her down… until, “I don’t care ” doesn’t work for me anymore.
Well, at least I know when its coming, and I can avoid really shitty situations/decisions. I’m more, aware? I guess of my issues, so if I’m quick, and take myself out of the moment, for a moment, I can avoid becoming a hot mess… If I’m real lucky, Iris comes to the rescue, she’s the part of me who most see in public, she’s also kinda hippy flippy dippy, a bit of a dreamer, always off on another planet. She’s also much more of a thinker, and likes playing the devils advocate, or at least to see all sides of an issue before speaking her opnion. Shes polite, and minds her manners…just sweet as sugar! My friends see more of Monkey, and a little of Dragon Lady. Those closest to me have seen and probably been hurt by Dragon.
I look over to the coffee table, something shiny catches my eye. It’s the razor blade the bf was using to splice stereo wires… It’s so tempting, I let myself think about dragging it across my skin for a nanosecond before I remind myself it’s not worth it.
Fuck you razor, I don’t need you anymore. I put it away out of sight. Even though I have the strength to leave it alone, I know this is an addiction. Just like a drug addiction, a behavior addiction (I don’t even know if that’s the right term) can be just as easy to relapse because we find comfort in the behavior, and it’s something we (think) can control. You have no control over addiction, it controls you, it becomes your master. Yes, that’s kind of depressing, but it’s also very, ummm, enlightening, I guess would be the best word, to realize this. Once that notion, idea, thought, pops into your head, you see the monster in a different light…You can face it head on, and not be so afraid.
It took me a long time to be able to even talk about the demons inside, and it’s been even longer since I can be half normal…and I’m still pretty effed up. But you know what, I’m getting there, and that’s all that matters.
Restlessness, it’s the ADD kicking in again, I know it. Oh, but ADD isn’t a real thing you say? Ummm okay, sure, what ever…
Anyway, on days like this, I cannot focus on anything. Not even one task, for example, I’ve been meaning to get up and make breakfast/lunch, but I keep distracting myself by surfing the net. This sucks because A) It’s putting behind schedule, and I’ll be either rushing to eat, or not eating at all…oh so healthy…and B) I know what I’m doing, I know the consequences, yet, I keep, procrastinating….
I’ve tried going to see a doctor about getting something to help me focus, but I actually need a psych diagnoses prior…I haven’t been cuz I’ve been procrastinating…omg…I’m horrible! The doctor also keeps trying to tell me I have BPD, another says it’s BP, this one says it’s PTSD….maybe OCD…Where is this going?….Fawk, I dunno, I just kinda went off on a tangent there… Have you seen my coffee… *wanders off mumbling looking for the cigs and coffee I just had three seconds ago*