I’m surprised she didn’t have nervous breakdown raising me. What I’m about to write about is probably one of the most embarrassing, yet utterly hilarious things that have happened to me.
Restlessness, it’s the ADD kicking in again, I know it. Oh, but ADD isn’t a real thing you say? Ummm okay, sure, what ever…
Anyway, on days like this, I cannot focus on anything. Not even one task, for example, I’ve been meaning to get up and make breakfast/lunch, but I keep distracting myself by surfing the net. This sucks because A) It’s putting behind schedule, and I’ll be either rushing to eat, or not eating at all…oh so healthy…and B) I know what I’m doing, I know the consequences, yet, I keep, procrastinating….
I’ve tried going to see a doctor about getting something to help me focus, but I actually need a psych diagnoses prior…I haven’t been cuz I’ve been procrastinating…omg…I’m horrible! The doctor also keeps trying to tell me I have BPD, another says it’s BP, this one says it’s PTSD….maybe OCD…Where is this going?….Fawk, I dunno, I just kinda went off on a tangent there… Have you seen my coffee… *wanders off mumbling looking for the cigs and coffee I just had three seconds ago*
I have a terrible relationship with food. I don’t want it, it makes me sick…but the confusing thing is, the not eating isn’t from wanting to lose weight…or is it? Just because I’m not consciously doing it to lose, could I be doing this subconsciously?…I don’t know.
It’s like the cutting, I do it occasionally, and when I do, I tend to really go crazy…
Dr’s say it’s BPD or BP…but when I take meds, I….get….worse…I become manic, I can’t sleep, then I sleep all the time, I have mood swings, then I’m apathetic….this is on the anti depressants, and mood stabilizers.
I honestly do much better without meds, but at the same time, I go through these episodes where I do these dumb things, even though I know better, and I know I’m not going to get the results I want from the self destructive behavior. Even though, I know, that I know betters ways to deal and cope, and I know I’m fully capable, and have the resources at my fingertips and there’s no need for the stupidity.
The reason this is being written now, is because on Saturday, I cut…and for the last year, I’ve lost an obscene amount of weight. I need to find people who are going through the same, who might be a shoulder to lean on, I can also be a shoulder to lean if you need it.
Ask me anything you would like to know about this, I know one of the best ways of getting through it, is by talking, and sometimes it’s much easier to talk to stranger…plus, I feel more comfy answering questions, rather than just putting EVERYTHING out there