Speaking of my mom…
I’m surprised she didn’t have nervous breakdown raising me. What I’m about to write about is probably one of the most embarrassing, yet utterly hilarious things that have happened to me.
When we were kids, mom would make us sit down and have Bible study once a week, it would be about an hour long. It was what you were supposed to do apparently, I dunno, I was never really into the whole Bible study thing… People don’t like to hear my ideas, they kinda just look at me in awe, like,
old christian lady:”What do you mean I should be nice to everyone, even the gays and heathens?…Jesus did not say that”
Me: “Ya he did, do onto others as you would have done to yourself, as in if you want to be loved, respected and blah blah you love and respect EVERYONE…all of the people…”
Anyway, it was during these studies, that I would find anything to distract myself, and of course, my two younger sisters. One day there happened to be a bunch of Pussy Willows in the room with us. Of course, being the little demon child I was, I decided…these…would be perfect. I plucked a few of the little fuzzies of the branches and tucked them away for the best possible moment to unleash my plan of attack on boring old bible studieeeeeeeeees…ugh! I hated Saturdays because of it.
So, my mom and a bunch of the other moms who would bring their kids to torture studies were in the middle of some big theological debate on the messages in Saturday morning cartoons or some silliness when I very sneakily shoved one of the fuzzies up my nose, took aim, and POW! right in my sisters face, I pretty much blew a snotty pussy willow fuzzy smack onto her cheek…
Of course she squealed in disgust and was quickly shushed, and I was free to continue, so…up my nose another fuzzy thing went, this time, my victim was L, the middle sister… I took aim, and SMACK! She looked over at me, reached over, and pinched me hard I thought she drew blood…she was fierce, a true adversary.
Screw this I thought, I’m going big this time, I shoved one up each nostril, and decided to bomb my youngest sister N again, she was an easy victim. So I took a deep breath, and then blew as hard as I could. Only one fuzzy came out. OMG, ONLY ONE FUZZY CAME OUT. The other was lodge in my nose…I had put it in backwards. What? you can put them in backwards? you ask. Yup, yup, you most certainly can.
You see the thing I didn’t realize was that the fuzzies in a sense are sort of like barbs, as in the nice soft fuzzy stuff goes in one directions, so you put it in one way and it slides out, you put in another and it get stuck, and I had one stuck in my nose.
I’m frareaking, and I’m panicking, and I’m kinda flailing, and wailing and not making any sense at this point. So mom, comes running over and is all like, whats going on? what’s wrong? So, I between panicked sobs, confess to my attacks, and explain it backfired on me, and I know have a pussy willow in my nose and it won’t come out (I was about 11/12 at this point, so you know, well beyond the whole shoving shit up your nose as a kid phase….)
She starts freaking, she calls poison control (no, they aren’t dangerous, as in poison, but, it might travel to my sinuses…)… So she chops a bunch of onions, puts em in a bowl, and shoves my head above the bowl and is like, cry and snot, but don’t snort it in…hopefully you snot it out. I don’t snot it out…so she (brave or insane woman, I dunno) Takes one of those bendable sports drink straw do hickies, makes a filter for one end, shoves the other in my nose, and sucks…
She tries to suck a pussy willow out of my nose. My mother. I swear, this stuff only happens to me. I’m special, and not like oh you precious lil’ snowflake, I mean special, probably should be checked for something…I don’t really think things through. Ok, so I know that’s a symptom of like BPD, but also ADD, which obviously, I’ve had since a child… I mean, this is just one of the millions of examples throughout my lifetime…
Anyway, that didn’t work either, so, I end up at the ER, or whatever up at the hospital, where the doctor took a pair of needle nose pliers, and hauled that sucker out. When he asked me why on Earth I would shove a pussy willow up my nose, I meekly replied something about being bored, and I thought it would be fun to pick on my sisters.
My mom, likes to bring up the fact that I shoved a pussy willow in my nose, she however will deny trying to actually suck it out of my nose with a straw…but I have witnesses, mom!…I do.